Changes

I barely recognize the two of us in this old photo taken in 2001.

The Cleaning Lady

The cleaning lady has been MIA for a while now and I had to get down to business and try to distinguish clean from dirty laundry as it piles in baskets on my bedroom floor. This is my morning. Yeah me. Emily clomps around in high heels she drags from beneath the layers of dust bunnies and dog fur hidden in the bottom of the closet somewhere and I get confused, again, about where I left off in my insurmountable project. This is more than a "calgon, take me away" moment....this is war. Now it's time for a break from the battle as I check my email and find I have a dinner date with an old high school friend who I haven't seen or spoken to since we were 18 years old. I wasn't nervous about this until she wrote today and asked if I was wearing my high school clothes. What does that mean? And I hope she is joking. She mentioned bringing pictures too. Yuck! I can say, with complete certainty that NO ONE wants to see how I looked back in '88. Except for a laugh. Let's see, if I remember correctly,I had long permed hair with big frizzy bangs, oversize white t-shirt with a man's suit jacket ( bought for change at Value Village)rolled at the sleeves, skin tight black leggings and black Chuck Taylor High Tops. The 80's were an interesting fashion decade, with my limited income and love for anything punk and wild, I was an interesting mix of pop culture and fashion victim. So the dinner is in a few hours and now I feel butterflies in my stomach. This is something I wouldn't even bothered with a few years ago, but it's my graduating class' 20 year reunion in a few weeks, and while I am curious, I have no real interest in revisiting that time of my life. So why am I meeting her? I have no idea, except that for a brief yet intense time of my life she was my friend.

Angels and Demons

Most days I am completely and utterly amazed by my children. They are my world! And I know that sounds like something I will need to address in therapy years from now when they've grown and I'm still trying to lure them into staying over or offering to wash their clothes, but I'll burn that bridge when I get to it. For now however, I am thrilled to be their mom and watch them grow and laugh at the incredible silliness and chaos they bring to my life. I've noticed that their relationship to one another is either full of love or fury. They rarely demonstrate and in- between. Love, Hate, Complain, Kiss, Spit, Hug, Confide, Giggle, Hit, Scream, Hit some more....this is the cycle we go through just about every day. My husband and I find them most angelic when they sleep - whereas the daytime brings out the demons in them. Its funniest when they decided to gang up on their parents and "battle" together: dressing in costume to show their solidarity against us. These pics illustrate what I'm talking about. The more I think about it, as much as I adore the angels when they sleep, I think there probably wouldn't exist the harmony if the demons couldn't get out to play during the day.

Under Pressure

Has anyone else felt the pressure to make something so incredible that you knew there was no way you could live up to your own expectations? This is how I viewed my anniversary plans as they were unfolding before me. I planned - for months - my anniversary weekend and when the time and place arrived I was paralyzed - not by fear, but by my own expectations. I made reservations at a ritzy hotel, arranged for a note to be written in chocolate congratulating us on 9 years of marriage, accompanied by a pretty "flower" concoction made entirely of sugar. A bottle of wine and a great meal capped off the night. It was great. Maybe too great. After all this I just wanted to do one thing. You know what I'm going to say, yes, I wanted it! I wanted to do this so badly I could feel it from head to my toes. I undressed, slipped into a newly purchased silk nightie anticipating the moment. Already in bed, Kam waited eagerly. As I slipped under the covers I could feel his his warm body next to mine, making the urge undeniable. I brushed his lips softly with mine, and....... fell asleep. Sadly, the desire for sleep was greater than any romantic fantasy I tried to create. It was, I realized later, the fact that I had tried so hard that created this exhaustion. So while reality is the one thing I tried most to escape ( for 24 hours anyway) it was the only thing my body responded to......at least, right then. HaHaHaHaHa

Happy Anniversary

Today is my 9 year wedding aniversary! YEAH!!!!!
And all I have to show for it is two beautiful children
And a lovely and loving husband
And a demanding labrador retriever

Warning: Eplicit Language May not be appropriate for young readers

It was brought to my attention that I use swear or curse words in my blog! *Gasp* Well what the Hell can I say to that? This is really how I express myself. Besides how objectionable is "damn" and "shit"??? Especially considering I heard these words from a very tender and impressionable young age. I mean, the apple doesn't fall from the tree. Does it mother? Wait, don't answer that. I really do enjoy fooling myself with the belief that I am an individual: shaped not by nurture or nature alone, but by my own absurd world view. I want you also to note that I am an exceptional speller - just not a great typer. Afterall, I reasoned way back in '84, I'm not going to grow up to be a secretary! Lord help me!

A House with a View

With kids in tow, I drove back the 3 1/2 hours it took to get to my friends house in a small Canadian town on Lake Huron yesterday. I was considering a protest - It was beautiful there and I didn't want to come back to reality. But all trips have to end and this mini weekend vacation was no different. We had a great time hanging out with friends, drinking wine and walking on the beach while the kids collected rocks and drift wood. It was glorious. I even napped in the sun - heaven!

I think I've said to much

I had an outer body experience. I was blabbing on and on to a friend and I was thinking, "Shut Up!" to myself. Yet what did I do? I kept right on talking. I just wanted to stop myself, but I couldn't. I don't know why except that I was nervous and it was a serious and personal subject and I kept on and on til I made my point. Sadly the only point I think I made was demonstrating that I don't know when to shut my mouth. This has happened before, whenever I find myself in an uncomfortable position I get nervous and either #1. Say too much or #2 Laugh - neither of which I would recommend. But how do you cope when confronted with anxiety? I mean besides grabbing pills, liquor or food...been there, done that, doesn't help!

Spaghettios Anyone? Yuck!

So my neighbor dropped by to chat with me last night as I was in the front yard gardening. Yep, you read correctly, I am a "Gardener". Every spring I decide it's my calling. At least that's how I see myself before I begin popping the top off the Tylenol bottle and while I where the floppy hat, blue jeans and gloves as I huddle over the dirt and try to squash plants into the earth without killing my back and knees. Getting older sucks....but that's a blog for another time.

Anyway, my neighbor has asked me to care for her two girls for the summer as she and her husband work long days and I am at home tending to my two kiddos, plus our lab, and now, of course, the garden. I am happy to do it, and well, maybe a little crazy, after all four children cant be that much harder than caring for two.....right?!! I said, not much harder, right? I am of course deluding myself I know. I mean parenting your own kids is tough enough but having someone elses children over 50 hours a week might be more than this 30 something SAHM can manage. Good thing I get my xanax in bulk from the pharmacy. But enough about me. My neighbor wanted to go over a few details of our loosely constructed arrangement. For starters, she wanted to know if my kids like Beef-a-roni? and Spahgettios. She was offering to bring over enough for all the kids to eat for lunch. Which, before anyone calls me a snob, yes, was nice of her. That being said: there is no way in HELL that I will feed that crap to my kids. Nope, cant do it! I know I cant be the only mother who refuses to consider junk like that an option. There are so many reasons I wont give that to my kids, but none of them is because I think I am a better parent. In fact I want to declare my mediocrity right here and now. I dont have a degree to back up how I raise my kids, I just go with what feels right. Usually when I make a bad choice I know it, somewhere in the pit of my stomach my body just knows when I've screwed up. And while it may seem like a small thing, nutrition is super important to me. Passing along a healthy attitude toward food and eating is important as well. For anyone who knows me well, you know I lost over 100 lbs and so what we eat and how much is a closely held value in this house. So while I struggled not to object to strenously I found myself offering to cook for her children- as I do for my own. I think I really am losing my mind - why make more work for myself? Ive given it some thought and this is what I know for sure: while the kids may enjoy the canned lunches and it's definately easier to prepare I wouldnt be the true "gardener" I imagine myself to be. I can cultivate healthy eating habits and hopefully a beautiful landscape around my house as well.

A new hair cut / A new me

Well, not really a new me. But the hair cut makes me feel like a new, improved self. I look in the mirror and "Hey, who's that?" looking back at me. I smile, this totally silly grin across my face, like I've got a secret with the person smiling back at me and I know, without a doubt, I've lost my marbles. I didn't have that many to begin with so it's not such a loss. Apparently I'm such a mess that even my stylist, Bianca asked me if I were doing better than the last time I was in ( 5 weeks ago). I stared at her reflection in the mirror - a complete blank - what the heck is she talking about? So it would seem Bianca not only cuts and colors my hair but she is my sounding board for all the craziness I'm feeling when I see her. She's like a therapist with really good taste in clothes and style. Poor girl, I didn't realize I subject her to my ranting and ravings while I get her to do the impossible with my fine, thin hair. I not only look better but I feel better too after I've seen her. Good thing I tip her well!

Reading Frenzy

I usually have a couple of books going but it's gotten out of hand lately. First I have been in this self-help mode since I quit my job reading A New Earth: Awakening To Your Life's Purpose by Ekhart Tolle and The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. Both of these have taken quite a long time to finish because I ruminate over the meanings/message hoping that by the end I will have some miraculous inner transformation or greater understanding of ...life. Yeah, well, I'm still waiting for that. In the meantime my sister got me interested in some young adult fiction by Stephenie Meyer called The Twilight Saga. Ive read Twilight and New Moon in a matter of days. She was right on - they are page turners and I didn't want them to end. I've begun book 3 titled, Eclipse. Today I treated myself to yet another Stephenie Meyers book, her first work of adult fiction, The Host. Also, I just finished The Friday Night Knitting Club. This is a chick-lit book that read like the movie Steel Magnolia's except the dialogue's not as sharp or funny. So as I was online browsing I came across this and thought it was a great idea. Check out Chelsie , she is hosting her first contest. A chance to win free books=good. Check it out!

BareNaked Ladies

YEAH!
It's finally here, Snack Time by BNL is out and at Borders. Unfortunately it's not available at Borders Express - where we traveled in the rain today to go get it. Oh well, tomorrow is a good day to trek out to the mall and get their newest CD - a compilation of kids music. I can't wait to hear all the tracks. Kam and I are HUGE fans of the Ladies - their awesome concert at DTE last summer was recorded and put into a live concert DVD titled, Talk to the Hand: Live in Michigan. Another excellent purchase if you are a fan. I am at bit excited can you tell?

Short but Sweet

Each night before dinner we sit down and say a prayer. This is something that we never did regularly in the past but have gotten in a groove in recent months and when someone forgets it's the 3 year old who yells. "PRAYER!". While Kam has never been comfortable with praying he has grown to enjoy this little ritual as much as I do due to the humor value more than the spiritual value. The kids always come up with something totally unexpected and original. The other night this is how our dinnertime prayer ended:
Emily: Thank you God for everything. Omen!
Me: Thats "Amen" Emily
Noah: Yea, Em, omen is a kind of nut..
Me: No, thats an almond.

The Princess and Piano Recital

I forgot to add pictures of the most wonderful weekend. April 26th and 27th. Emily's 3rd birthday combined with Noah's 1st piano recital gave us much to celebrate!

Prayer Outloud

I was never raised in a home with prayer. The exceptions were at holiday meals and bedtime when I was very young. So it's no surprise that I find myself lacking in the prayer department when I am at church, especially when I am with my fellow Stephen Ministers. There is always this uncomfortable moment where I find myself holding my breath, before I begin to pray out loud, hoping Divine inspiration will wash over me and I will find the words to express the depth with which I have embraced my faith in God and be able to express it with eloquence. I fall short- each and every time and only recently am comfortable with my limitations. When I let out that long held breath and speak, no one laughs, or critiques, or comments on my word choice. So why should I? Prayer is the most honest dialogue I've ever had and imperfect as my prayers may be, I think I'm okay with that. I think God is too.

Mayflowers

It's raining, it's pouring so you know it's spring in Michigan. Emily and I ran around the backyard gardens and picked several tulips in shades of pink, purple, yellow and orange. I for one believe you can never have too many flowers in and around your house. I love the reward of beautiful blooms, that's why I work so hard at gardening. I didn't realize until recently but my friend Ilona is a "master gardener" and while I'm not sure what that designation means, exactly, I am impressed and can't wait to visit her backyard and get tips from her this year.

So yesterday mom and I made our trek to For Wayne, Indiana and found ourselves just two of thousands of women waiting in line to get a deal on Vera Bradley products. It was amazing and more than a bit overwhelming. Mom, who is the president of the American Jockey Club, or Arabian Racing Association ( or both, I'm not sure) is totally obsessed with/involved/surrounded by horses and like minded horse people. She kept wondering why these women - including me- were so into the bags. I dont know I told her, it's kinda like her love of horses. She balked at this as horses are animals and a love of an animal makes more sense than a love of a brand of handbags. So you got me there mother! She still enjoyed it - I think. She found some good deals and a cute organizer for herself that she seemed to truly like. I didn't find exactly what I hoped, except for the daughter apron - but the patterns weren't available that I wanted. That being said, I still managed to spend a $150 and I'm satisfied with the good deals on a few fun bags I love. But I wont be doing that again. Afterall, I did spend 6 hours in my car.....with my mother...nuff said!